Who am I?

OK, I did not go out and "find myself" in a matter of days and I didn't book a long weekend at an ashram to discover the essence of my inner being.  But I did sit down and write out a list of things I had always wanted to do.  I thought about long-term goals and I did some soul searching to honestly gauge what I could expect of myself when confronted with a different culture, the need to make new friends and, well, adapt.

I’m a new person without Andrea.  I’m also a lesser person without Andrea to support me and plug the gaps in my abilities.  Although losing her took place suddenly, the process of my change isn’t over yet and that’s one of the key things I had to realize.  The goals and aspirations that I had were intertwined (and still are) with “us.”  So while I am no longer held back by Andrea’s cautious nature, I also find myself constantly wondering what she would do.  Would she approve of my decisions, or would she rein me back in?  Am I aimed in the right direction or am I simply aimless?  She was the planner and researcher; can I really do this without her?  Good questions for which I have no answer… yet.

I have plenty of time to figure these things out since my initial goal is to head overseas in six or seven years.  In the meantime, I have found several books that have provided a jump start to my self-assessment.  Barry and Thia Golson have written an excellent book, Retirement Without Borders.  What I like about it is that they don’t try to make everything look rosy and, in fact, point out a lot of practical reasons not to move abroad.  Chapter six, “Checklist:  What’s Important to You (and Your Spouse)” is very relevant for me right now.  I read and re-read this chapter as I tried to judge whether retiring outside the US is really right for me.  They ask a lot of questions designed to get the emotions and brain in synch.  With each of their questions came a new page in my notebook as I jotted down things I know about myself in one column and questions in another.

Another book with a very different approach is Kathleen Pedicord’s “How to retire overseas.”  Kathleen’s experience has been very different because she moved for career reasons and became hooked on living as an expat.  She asked several of the same questions as Barry and Thia, but in a different way and from a different outlook.  Like so many things in life, there is no perfect way to approach a problem.  The more I read the more I gain a sense of myself in this process and how this will all turn out.

The question that I need to answer next is whether to focus on process or making decisions.  For now, process seems to be winning.  There are too many fundamental questions that need to be laid to rest before I can go back to figuring out if I want to live on the beach outside of Tulum, rent a flat in downtown Montivideo or find a mountain retreat in central Panama.  It’s getting late so the next great set of inquiries will have to wait.