I haven’t posted in a while because I’ve been avoiding thinking. If I didn’t have a job or have to feed the cats, there are many days that I just wouldn’t get out of bed. What’s the point? When I have something to laugh about or interesting to share, Andrea is not there to listen and it’s as if I’m dead inside. I get up and start working at 6:00 because if I don’t I’m afraid that I’ll just curl up and die. I’m all alone within myself without her. I have little sense of direction because my point of reference is gone. If it weren’t for planning for the future, I would have no direction at all. You don’t realize how important someone is until they are gone… it’s as if I have no context. God, how I wish I could have her back just for a minute so I could tell her how much I love and miss her.
Don’t get me wrong – I am not on the verge of committing suicide and I don’t mean to be depressing, I guess the point is that planning my expat existence is the only thing that gets my blood going. Am I planning a future or just planning on running away? I hope I find out soon. I am looking at making at least two trips next year (to Belize and Mexico) and I’m hoping that will help to focus my planning. I’ll be looking at things differently when I travel this time. I have a friend who used to live in Belize who will accompany me – it will be good to have an expert along to help interpret what I am seeing.
I have to go to the dentist soon and that has gotten me thinking about medical care abroad. Maybe that will be the topic of my next research effort.
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