Introspection...

OK… For anybody who actually reads my ramblings on a regular basis, you may want to skip this one.  Seriously.  I let you know upfront that some of my postings are fairly personal and this is one of them.  I use this blog as both occasional daily diary and to report my research, thoughts and musings about my eventual move abroad.  Well, today is a daily diary day.

When my father died in 1993, it was a serious blow for me.  I think most men have a very special bond with their fathers because that is from whom they learn to be a man.  This is who teaches them, whether by word or deed, what it means to be a leader of the family, a bread winner, a decision maker and all-around head of the household.  My dad and I definitely had that special bond.  He was very open and frank with me.  Dad was one of those guys who was emotional and wasn't afraid to show it -- what a great lesson for a young man trying to find his way in the world!  To this day I think that one of the greatest attributes that I have, which clearly came from my father, is that I am not afraid to show the world exactly who I am… good, bad or indifferent.  What you see is what you get.

My father sheltered me from my mother.  I know that sounds strange, but I was diagnosed with a mild form of epilepsy at a young age and while my mother wanted to protect me from everything that might hurt me physically, my father actively sought out ways for me to be the physical guy that most young men want to be, while honoring my mothers wishes.  So I was active in gymnastics instead of football.  I lettered in gymnastics in high school before giving it up in favor of the debate team.  My dad and I used to go on "hikes" in the mountains that were actually freeform mountain climbing outings that my mother would have had a conniption fit over had she known what we were really doing.

My father also took me on secretive driving lessons and worked with my doctor to get the approval to get my driver's license.  This was a delicate balancing act for my father because he had to keep his wife happy while raising a son who was ready and able to take on the world as a man.

I remember as a sixth grader my dad helped me through a "Great Books" program reading Shakespeare, Plutarch's Lives, The Odyssey and other writings that were a struggle for me to comprehend.  These classics were the platform dad used to discuss the big issues of life, politics and religion.  My dad also told me as a high school student that he did not care what I did in life as long as I did it to the best of my ability; if I became a garbage man that was fine provided that I became the best garbage man possible.  My dad was a middle-class guy who came from very modest beginnings and did not rise to financial riches, but became very successful on a personal level.  I think that all young men aspire to be wealthy some day as a measure of their worth as a man.  I learned from my father that financial wealth was fine and should not be eschewed, but ultimately making money is not the goal; character, personal satisfaction, family and your place in the community are far more important.

So when dad died at the early age of 73, I was devastated.  It was shortly after his passing that Andrea and I took our second vacation to Key West and decided this was the time to make a life-altering move to Key West and open a B&B.  It was a difficult time to be a remodeling contractor and although Andrea had moved up to VP of her company at the ripe old age of 27, the company was struggling and everybody's hours had been cut back to 80%.  We loved our jobs, but not the circumstances in which we were doing them. 

My father's death had caused me (actually, both of us) to engage in some introspection.  At 38 I was fortunate to have come to the realization that life is short, must be lived in a fulfilling way and that there must be goals that lead to both personal and financial satisfaction.  Had my father not died at that time, I may have continued on to be quite successful in my business or failed miserably… I will never know.  But what I do know is that  I took a chance that forever changed my outlook on life.  One of my greatest regrets is that dad was not able to see how successful Andrea and I were with Duval Gardens Bed and Breakfast..

I also know that this was a change Andrea and I made together.  In some ways she was even more fortunate to have learned this lesson 11 years earlier in her life than I.  This outlook on life enabled Andrea to bounce back from her fight with cancer, build her travel agency and together we traveled the world and experienced many great things.

Introspection is a personal commodity most of us rarely dare to engage in, but now that I have lost Andrea I find myself thinking often of my life thus far and what the future holds.  It is in these moments that I realize that the future is what I choose to make of it.  I have professional aspirations that I need to work on in the 5-6 years remaining in my work career.  I have personal goals (learning Spanish, how to sail, etc.) that I need to focus on.  I also hope to find a new special woman to give my heart to.

I think I said in one of my early postings that this blog is more for my own benefit than that of any readers who may stumble upon my ramblings, and this entry validates that statement.  I hope I haven’t bored you, but you should expect more such postings in the future as I continue to look back on my 56 years with an eye towards the future.